to not be full of shit

Last updated on 8 December 2020

I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube videos on Gary Vaynerchuk, the painfully honest, f-bomb chucking purveyor of advice on social media. I even got his book Crushing It! to dive deeper into his ideas about how entrepreneurs can use social media to build their personal brands.. Some people, including my wife Elin, are turned off by his frequent use of the word “fuck.” He says it as frequently as teen-agers say “like.” Sometimes he uses it so often it’s difficult to hear anything else. Usually when I hear someone use f$7* a lot I wonder if it isn’t an affectation just to get attention or whether it’s real. In Vaynerchuk’s case, I’m pretty sure it’s authentic.

Like GaryVee, as he is often called, people I admire seem to live with a kind of deliberateness that permeates everything they do. It’s as if they abide by some calculation they’ve made between knowing exactly who they are, what motivates them and ultimately what they want to get out of life. 

I think about this because I’ve been doing a visioning exercise to get clear on what success in 2019 looks like. And the focus is not just to be able to look back and bask in the glow of a specific number of accomplishments that I can tick off like a checklist on some tally sheet at the end of the year. 

It’s to make the year–and my life–feel better.

I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply ALL my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy.  — Og Mandino 

I am focused on two things: potential and authenticity. My potential. My life’s potential. How can I reach the greatest version of me?  

The catalyst for this obsession of course has been the stuff I’ve been absorbing on YouTube and from Vaynerchuk’s book. But it’s bigger too.

I’m aware of time.

When I was younger I wanted to fit in, to be liked, to take care of people, even strangers, so there was no conflict, no hurt feelings, no loss of self-esteem, mine included. To operate this way, I had to live by the seat of my pants. I went the way the wind blew. If I sensed people were feeling tense or didn’t like how I was acting or treating them, I altered my behavior.  If people seemed to react negatively to me, I tried to figure out what they didn’t like and changed. The bottom line was to be liked and to avoid conflict.

Now that I am approaching 60, I see how tough that made life for me and for others. Living this way created a kind of wishy-washy effect that left people unsure of what I stood for, or even worse, able to push me around because they quickly learned what was most important to me was fitting in. Part of this I attribute to my upbringing and the ear-splitting conflict between my parents and my sister. During their numerous fights when my sister was a teen-ager still living in our house, I would retreat to my room, put on my headphones and turn up the volume on my record player so I could drown out the fighting. That was how I survived my childhood. I  remember vividly something my mom said after one of my parents’ fights with my sister that came, coincidentally, on my birthday. We were in the car on the way to my favorite restaurant to celebrate and a fight broke out between my sister and my parents. My sister got out of the car and walked home. My mom turned to me from the front seat and said, “We’re going to raise you right.” What I heard was, “Don’t cause fights and get along.”

Living this way created a kind of wishy-washy effect to that left people unsure of what I stood for, or even worse, able to push me around because they quickly learned what was most important to me was fitting in.

I can’t blame my parents. I’m sure they hated the tension and the fighting. They did the best they could and did what they thought was right, even if they didn’t see how it affected me.

But even as a young adult, I’ve realized the effects of this conflict during my childhood lingered. I tried to be as malleable as possible in all situations, both at work and in my personal life. I operated by the seat of my pants. It’s as if  I had a compass outside of myself that others could turn to direct me.

It’s only been in the past decade or so that I’ve understood my responsibility to own my compass. I wish I knew at a younger age what I now know. Vaynerchuk says this: 
“I genuinely don’t give a shit what people think, which allows me complete freedom to do and say what I want” and “I care immensely what everyone thinks and will spend an insane amount of time responding to skeptics who take the time to tweet or comment the criticism, to help them see where I’m coming from.”

I’ve missed opportunities–personally and professionally–to challenge myself more and make more out of my life. I suspect that sense of missing something because I was always reacting rather than directing is behind this visioning stuff. Elin has been doing it for a couple of years and has corralled achievements that she might otherwise have missed.  Each challenge she’s successfully navigated then has led to additional successes and I’ve watched her grow. I see my kids and close friends do the same. 

The other thing is authenticity. Again, Vaynerchuk addresses this: “Your intent will be reflected in your authenticity. You will be a thousand times more successful if you wake up eager to share and create something because you believe the world will enjoy it rather than you have calculated that this is what you need to do to become an Instagram celebrity.” 

In the visioning I’m doing I’m very aware of being honest, which is akin to authenticity, in how I want to own my compass from now on. It’s even true in my writing, which I’ve included in my vision plan. What I’m always asking when I have a notion to write is whether what I want to say contributes in some way to the global conversation. If it doesn’t it’s just noise and better left unsaid. To write something, I have to believe my essays will resonate with someone (even ONE person). What’s more, I have to write what’s true for me rather than writing to be accepted (just like when I was a kid?). 

Some who read this will know that I make my living as a Realtor® in a crowded market in Ann Arbor. Authenticity carries over here too because there are many successful agents doing what I do also trying to attract new clients. What I realized is that I needn’t try to compete with all these other agents. Instead, I have to have work my tail off to present my genuine approach as a real estate agent and have faith it will be appreciated and noticed by people who will then choose to work with me. 

So my visioning includes specific things I am doing to put myself out there so that they can decide if I am the right person for them. 

The final thing is time. I’m aware that I have a limited window to do what I want to do so molding myself based on others’ reactions to me is risky. There will come a time when I will be faced with the opportunity to look back on the tableau of my life and decide if I chose my direction or allowed others to run the show. I have to own my compass. 

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I just thought of this: I’m not advertising for Gary Vaynerchuk here. A lot of what he says resonates with me. I also like Casey Neistat, among others. There is a lot of good content on YouTube and I find interesting little corners of inspiration. But it’s up to you to find yours.