ritual.

Last updated on 8 December 2020

“I do love the idea of ritual.” Sarah Silverman 

Ritual: an act or series of acts regularly repeated in a set precise manner (Merriam Webster dictionary online). Syns.: custom, fashion, habit, habitude, pattern, practice.

For nearly as long as I’ve known her, Elin and I have had a morning routine that has grown into a sort of ritual. It’s a simple thing, most people would think nothing of it. But it sets a monumental tone in my approach to my days and, when missing, seems to take us both off kilter. 

Each morning, sometime between 5:30 and 6 we get up and sit for coffee together on our couch. One of us takes on prepping the coffee machine and pressing the buttons to create our brew. It’s so familiar as to be almost mechanical, quite like brushing one’s teeth. There is little variation in the way we go about this each day.

When the little bell signifying the brew is complete, we grab our mugs and sit next to each other on the couch, as we wake up and look out through our favored picture windows onto the front lawn.

In the pre-dawn hours, the view is notably darker naturally, without light, broken only by the occasional headlights of a morning commuter or the sleepy awakening of the neighbors across the street. 

Millions of people all over the world wake up each morning and have coffee. During a recent trip to Paris, we saw plenty on their way to their jobs stop into cafes for their morning espresso. Starbucks and countless other cafes have earned millions capitalizing on a cultural habit of grabbing joe before work. 

Here’s what I’ve decided: It’s not the coffee. 

So what’s the big deal? There is a necessary and valued peace in our routine. So much so that it we’ve unconsciously elevated it to a ritual, one where, if we don’t  comply with its call, something unnamed is missing, almost like Vikings who failed to complete certain ceremonial practices and feared the wrath of one of their Gods. Okay, I’m exaggerating to make a point. 

So I’ve wondered a lot why this ritual of Elin and I having coffee is so important. Here’s what I’ve decided: It’s not the coffee. 

It could be tea. Or orange juice. Or Pepsi. Or water. 

The core of our “coffeetime” as it’s come to be known in our household, is connection. Accompanying our sipping coffee together each morning is conversation. We talk about the kids and our relationships with them and each other, upcomping vacations or places we’d like to see, house projects, and news from the previous day in our careers.

There is nothing earth-shattering in the conversation either but its importance to our connection with each other and with the world can’t be understated. This got me thinking about the nature of rituals in our lives in general.

Why do we build habits around certain mundane activities like drinking coffee? Is it certainty in an uncertain world? Do routines and rituals give us a sense of control and ownership of our days? 

I know when I sit with Elin and enjoy our coffee and conversation I feel more…connected to life and to her.

I’m not sure. I do know that when I sit with Elin and enjoy our coffee together I feel happier, more content and connected to life and to her. Maybe that’s the purpose of rituals. They ground us in a little bit of certainty in our modern lives. I suppose some people find that in their church, others going to the gym. 

Life is so frenetic. The demands on each of us today between work, chores, email, family and a thousand other things seem to conspire to take away the space for routine, for ritual. It’s as if everything has a notification in our lives telling us to respond, pinging us to attention. 

Our coffeetime is a wall against this and plays a significant part in maintaining our human connection. I for one am thankful for each and every sip.